The difficulty I faced in my ALHP has helped me face some needs I have in terms of emotions and insecurities.
Coming back from the programme, it was easy to just let go and return to my old ways of vague, supressed dissatisfactions, but I’m surprising myself with my eagerness to actually deal with my needs and care for myself. I’m trying to be aware of the motivations behind my actions, and seeing patterns in my own behaviour.
Don’t know where this is taking me, but right now, it feels like I’m an onion, with layers and layers and layers. The inner layers also have a greater tendency to bring tears 
I’m meeting myself for the first time and I like it.
Relationships are very important to me - is a new discovery I’m making. I like to connect with people. Perhaps this is why, rather than have a business website, Wide Aware has this massive informal place with pictures and discussions and articles which will never ever sell anything. I want adventurers to feel comfortable here. I want to connect with people.
Another thing I’m discovering is that I am very fast, and I tend to make people feel pressurised when I expect them to cope at my speed. By fast, I’m not speaking of actions, but of thoughts. It tends to alienate people when I do that, because it makes them feel inferior. It hurts me too, because I want them with me. I am now consciously trying to take my time and be sure that I am actually communicating, rather than assuming that people understand because of familarity, and I find that it is helping me be more connected with them.
There are other things too. I tend to focus intensely on things and tune out all distractions, which makes me lose touch with other things that are happening. I’m trying to maintain regular awareness of things I care about.
That’s it folks for now. Thanks for bearing with this rambling session, but it feels good to admit it, and acknowledge that I am also doing something to make things better. Hopefully, Nirvana is round the corner. Its more likely to be new discoveries round the corner.
