Footprints on the Mountainside

I don’t know if this can really be called road rage, but something happened today, that got me concerned about how we act….

I was travelling to Powai from Borivli in  rickshaw for a session by Sankar on learning styles (that’s another post). I enjoy interacting with different people, and I was chatting happily with the rickshaw driver, when a motorcycle zipped past and overtook us from the wrong side. As the car in front of us slowed (for reasons unknown), the driver braked in panic, and this poor motorcycle guy was hit by our rickshaw.

I am not aware of the exact sequence of happenings, but it was abundantly clear that the guy lying flat on the road was suffering the consequences of his own “reckless driving”. The rickshaw driver and I got out of the rick as the guy struggled to disentangle himself from the bike. Thanks to the crawling pace of Mumbai’s traffic and the additional braking spree that happened just before he was hit, he was relatively unhurt except for a very bad scrape that was bellding quite heavily on his left forearm and  the matching side of his trousers damaged beyond repair. I’d call it getting off scot free compared with what could have happened.

Seeing the guy bleeding, I stepped forward to see if I could help, but my driver reached him first, and it was then I realized that the two of us had come out for different reasons. The driver collared this biker and hauled him to his feet and was just about to beat him up, when I interrupted him.

“Boss roko!!! Ise maar kyun rahe ho?” I asked - Boss, wait!!! Why are you hitting him?

“Madam, aapne dekha nahi, kaisi gaadi chala raha tha? Accident kota to?” he replied - madam, didn’t you see how he was driving? What if there had been an accident?

“Accident to hua. Galati uski thi, par bhugat bhi wohi raha hai. AAP use kyon maar rahe ho? Use pehlehi chot lagi hai.” I said - The accident did happen. It was his fault, and he is suffering the consequences. You or your vehicle or passenger suffered no damage. Why are you hitting him? He is already injured.”

The driver stared at me in amazement. It was clear from his expression that he honestly had no clue why he was hitting the guy beyond that that “it was what was supposed to happen” - in Mumbai, mobs sometimes bash up the offender when reckless driving endangers lives. Worse, my tone with him was also not that of anger… which was the standard tone of the innocent party after an accident…. I was sounding merely curious. He had no clue how to proceed in such a situation.

The cowering biker who was mumbling “sorry…. sorry” looked at me in equal amazement. It didn’t really fit his framework of “public behaviour” to be shown concern when he had caused an accident. His entire body language spoke of the acceptance that he was going to be beaten up.

I stood there, wondering what was wrong with this world, if people don’t even need to have a reason to hit a person who is already injured. I could see how shaken the poor chap was, and didn’t see the point moving his attention from the magnitude of his consequences toward being defensive in some conflict. Plus, how would hitting him add any value to what was happening? He had experienced the consequences of rash driving first hand, and I doubt if he needed anything explained at that point. What he did need was first-aid.

Such incidents happen in our lives daily. Be it aggressive people in buses, or riots after taking offense. I really see no meaning to this behaviour, except a declaration of a total lack of caring for the people around us.

Once, I got into a train to get off at Borivli. It was a Virar train. For those unfamiliar with Mumbai, Virar is further than Borivli, has fewer trains which are invariably crowded, and their passengers tend to be hostile to passengers who could use more frequent trains using these unnecessarily. It being a holiday and all, I thought it wouldn’t matter, and the train seemed to have space. This is the ladies compartment.

As I neared the door when Borivli came closer, one of the women grabbed my arm and pulled me back roughly. I asked her to let go, and she returned abuse. Her point was that I need to be punished for using that train. Standard punishment is that the person is not allowed to get off the train until Borivli is crossed, which gives the offender an experience of the inconvenience of the train frequency and a fear/understanding of the situation for further reference.

I do respect and fully appreciate the difficulties these people go through, but I didn’t see how this mattered in a train with plenty of space on it (by Mumbai standards). When this woman tried to manhandle me, I broke out of her hold, and simply pushed her away from me. I look deceptively tiny, and this woman was a heavy weight, but I have a whole load of pushing experience from 7 years of grooming and working with horses. She was lighter than a horse, she moved very easily, which put her off getting physical with me, and she satisfied her “outrage” by screaming abuse at me for the next 5 minutes till I got off.

Other women around rolled their eyes and made faces - all regulars on the same train. This woman stood there sweating and looking so unreasonably angry that she looked insane. She refused to respond to anything I or the other women said and just spewed hatred. That’s how I remember her as the train pulled out of the station…… sweating, red in the face, screaming abuse, and dressed like a middle class conservative woman…. I just wondered how frustrating her life must be, if she needed strangers to vent on…. travelling for about 3-4 hours everyday just to reach work and back…… I couldn’t find anger in me for her…. I was concerned.

Where does this anger come from? Why do we care so little about the people in out world?

APJ Kalam never fails to amaze me with the depth of his understanding, insights, and the caring that comes through so clearly in his words. This article from him is something I truly respect and hold close to my heart, rather than in high esteem. Esteem is cerebral, this truly touches me, and inspires me to see things in a more meaningful way.

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I remember my dad teaching me the power of language at a very young age. Not only did my dad understand that specific words affect our mental pictures, but he understood words are a powerful programming factor in lifelong success.

One particularly interesting event occurred when I was eight. As a kid, I was always climbing trees, poles, and literally hanging around upside down from the rafters of our lake house. So, it came to no surprise for my dad to find me at the top of a 30-foot tree swinging back and forth. My little eight-year-old brain didn’t realize the tree could break or I could get hurt. I just thought it was fun to be up so high.

My older cousin, Tammy, was also in the same tree. She was hanging on the first big limb, about ten feet below me. Tammy’s mother also noticed us at the exact time my dad did. About that time a huge gust of wind came over the tree. I could hear the leaves start to rattle and the tree begin to sway. I remember my dad’s voice over the wind yell, “Bart, Hold on tightly.” So I did. The next thing I know, I heard Tammy screaming at the top of her lungs, laying flat on the ground. She had fallen out of the tree.

I scampered down the tree to safety. My dad later told me why she fell and I did not. Apparently, when Tammy’s mother felt the gust of wind, she yelled out, “Tammy, don’t fall!” And Tammy did… fall.

My dad then explained to me that the mind has a very difficult time processing a negative image. In fact, people who rely on internal pictures cannot see a negative at all. In order for Tammy to process the command of not falling, her nine-year-old brain had to first imagine falling, then try to tell the brain not to do what it just imagined. Whereas, my eight-year-old brain instantly had an internal image of me hanging on tightly.

This concept is especially useful when you are attempting to break a habit or set a goal. You can’t visualize not doing something. The only way to properly visualize not doing something is to actually find a word for what you want to do and visualize that. For example, when I was thirteen years old, I played for my junior high school football team. I tried so hard to be good, but I just couldn’t get it together at that age. I remember hearing the words run through my head as I was running out for a pass, “Don’t drop it!” Naturally, I dropped the ball.

My coaches were not skilled enough to teach us proper “self-talk.” They just thought some kids could catch and others couldn’t. I’ll never make it pro, but I’m now a pretty good Sunday afternoon football player, because all my internal dialogue is positive and encourages me to win. I wish my dad had coached me playing football instead of just climbing trees. I might have had a longer football career.

Here is a very easy demonstration to teach your kids and your friends the power of a toxic vocabulary. Ask them to hold a pen or pencil. Hand it to them. Now, follow my instructions carefully. Say to them, “Okay, try to drop the pencil.” Observe what they do.

Most people release their hands and watch the pencil hit the floor. You respond, “You weren’t paying attention. I said TRY to drop the pencil. Now please do it again.” Most people then pick up the pencil and pretend to be in excruciating pain while their hand tries but fails to drop the pencil.

The point is made.

If you tell your brain you will “give it a try,” you are actually telling your brain to fail. I have a “no try” rule in my house and with everyone I interact with. Either people will do it or they won’t. Either they will be at the party or they won’t. I’m brutal when people attempt to lie to me by using the word try. Do they think I don’t know they are really telegraphing to the world they have no intention of doing it but they want me to give them brownie points for pretended effort? You will never hear the words “I’ll try” come out of my mouth unless I’m teaching this concept in a seminar.

If you “try” and do something, your unconscious mind has permission not to succeed. If I truly can’t make a decision I will tell the truth. “Sorry John. I’m not sure if I will be at your party or not. I’ve got an outstanding commitment. If that falls through, I will be here. Otherwise, I will not. Thanks for the invite.”

People respect honesty. So remove the word “try” from your vocabulary.

My dad also told me that psychologists claim it takes seventeen positive statements to offset one negative statement. I have no idea if it is true, but the logic holds true. It might take up to seventeen compliments to offset the emotional damage of one harsh criticism.

These are concepts that are especially useful when raising children.

Ask yourself how many compliments you give yourself daily versus how many criticisms. Heck, I know you are talking to yourself all day long. We all have internal voices that give us direction.

So, are you giving yourself the 17:1 ratio or are you shortchanging yourself with toxic self-talk like, ” I’m fat. Nobody will like me. I’ll try this diet. I’m not good enough. I’m so stupid. I’m broke, etc. etc.”

If our parents can set a lifetime of programming with one wrong statement, imagine the kind of programming you are doing on a daily basis with your own internal dialogue. Here is a list of Toxic Vocabulary words.

Notice when you or other people use them.

Ø But: Negates any words that are stated before it.

Ø Try: Presupposes failure.

Ø If: Presupposes that you may not.

Ø Might: It does nothing definite. It leaves options for your listener.

Ø Would Have: Past tense that draws attention to things that didn’t actually happen.

Ø Should Have: Past tense that draws attention to things that didn’t actually happen (and implies guilt.)

Ø Could Have: Past tense that draws attention to things that didn’t actually happen but the person tries to take credit as if it did happen.

Ø Can’t/Don’t: These words force the listener to focus on exactly the opposite of what you want. This is a classic mistake that parents and coaches make without knowing the damage of this linguistic error.

Examples:

Toxic phrase: “Don’t drop the ball!”

Likely result: Drops the ball

Better language: “Catch the ball!”

Toxic phrase: “You shouldn’t watch so much television.”

Likely result: Watches more television.

Better language: “I read too much television makes people stupid. You might find yourself turning that TV off and picking up one of those books more often!”

Exercise: Take a moment to write down all the phrases you use on a daily basis or any Toxic self-talk that you have noticed yourself using. Write these phrases down so you will begin to catch yourself as they occur and change them.

By A P J KALAM

I see interest in our activities from all kinds of people - corporates, schools and other educational institutions, adult organizations and clubs, individual people in search of adventure, people who wish for counseling for their children/families…..

Its just me, and a whole new array of directions for growth, for making a meaningful difference in people’s lives. Its a heady feeling. It also scares me on some level, as I don’t really know if I can do all this justice. If I can live up to the belief that people have invested in me.

Thank you everyone for your continuing support and being there with your suggestions as well as walking with me as we venture together into exciting new terrain. This spirit of adventure in you, in me, is what makes this whole thing worthwhile.

Many people attend programmes with shoes that slip, are tight, are too fancy to wreck in the mud…….

I thought a quick post to point people to would help me by removing the necessity of repeating this information all the time.

1. NEVER wear shoes for trekking for the first time when you are walking for hours at a time and can’t change them if they get uncomfortable. Break your shoes in gently (for your feet - shoes don’t feel). Use them for shorter trips before heading out for that week long extreme trek.
2. ALWAYS walk on a variety of surfaces - rough, smooth, marble, stony, wet, etc. to check for slipping.
3. Buy shoes in the evening when your feet are slightly bigger than in the morning from standing all day.
4. The shoes should fit comfortably. By this, I mean a soft cushioning around your feet so that they are neither gripped by the shoe, nor rattling from the extra space.
5. For treks and situations where you expect to do a lot of walking, thick soles work well.
6. Some people prefer hard soles, others don’t. You will need to find out from experience.
7. COTTON SOCKS and plenty of them, please! You don’t want to get those nice shoes smelly, and your companions unconscious.
8. Floaters or slippers to wear on the campsite. I mention these and the socks in this list, because they are an important part of a comfortable experience with trekking shoes.
9. Expensive or cheap is not always the most comfortable. Experiment with different brands and types of shoes to experience what makes you happiest.
10. Care for your shoes as you would care for a car. Checking condition, waterproofing, cleaning and other small bits of attention ensure that your shoes don’t end up surprising you in a way you don’t like when in action.

If you think this list is silly, try being in my shoes where every programme has a percentage of participants not happy about their footwear (or me not happy with theirs - in the case of high heeled sandals - because the climbing site was near a beach), or try getting embarrassed participants to talk about fungal infections on feet when they want first aid.

I am just back from another ISABS lab. This is the second time I did my ALHP. This event was very special and very different in many ways.

This was a low budget initiative aimed at making ISABS and the T-Group processes accessible to sections of society that cannot afford the high budget programmes that usually happen in resorts and are willing to live in basic comfort.

This was completely different from previous experiences for me. Normally, participants live in comfortable air-con rooms on a twin or triple sharing basis, with separate areas for dining and laboratories. Here, the entire community was accommodated in four dormitories, which also doubled as labs and one of the dormitories was used as the dining room as well.

All through the duration of the community, there was a constant churning of participants among the group. You sleep with some of them, meet different people at meal times, attend your lab groups with still another set of them, prefer some of them for company in the evenings……. a constant shuffle of people you’re with, but no such thing as an isolated space for anyone.

I had been very apprehensive about this lack of space, but got so swept in the flow, that I don’t remember what exactly it was that I had been apprehensive about.

Ok, the food could have been better, the fans could have worked, and small comforts could have been missed by some, but the phenomenal community feeling was….. indescribable. People had just knitted together so close, that we had turned into one big family.

It was also an amazing experience to have such a large representation of people from the NGO sector in the community, and a valuable insight into perspectives we had never really been very close to.

I may write more about this eventually.